Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Letter to an Indian cricketer

So I read about the BCCI's letter to the Indian team as they leave for England, and thought I could do much better.

Dear Indian Cricketer:

Congratulations! You have been selected for the Indian team which will be touring various parts of the United Kingdom, Great Britain and England. Though you might have thought these were all the same at some point in your life, by the end of the tour you will know the difference. (For instance, you will be able to confidently tell a Barmy Army member who struts around wearing a shirt with the Union Jack that says "England's Barmy Army", that he is an absolute twerp for making that mistake). But there are some things you need to be careful about. Firstly, avoid talking to anyone. This isn't as much of an imposition as it seems. You'll be sick of your teammates by the end of the tour so that problem will solve itself. Talking to the locals is out of the question; most of them will have incomprehensible accents, especially up north, and they don't want to hear what you want to say anyway. They'll want to tell you whats wrong with Indian cricket, and for that, we have plenty of television channels at home. Don't talk to the press in particular. They're all Pakistani agents (have you seen the number of Pakistanis who live in London?). Secondly, watch out for your diet. You might have heard bizarre concocted stories about how good the Indian food is in England. It isn't Indian to begin with, and its not very good Have you heard of a place called Sylhet? Thats where its from (yeah, we didn't think you knew). (yes, you might find the odd exception but how long will that take you? You have to keep practicing against swing bowling in the nets). Thirdly, watch out for Monty. Don't think he'll be friendly to you like the other Sikhs you might have known. He is from Luton, and spends too much time taking tips from Nasser Hussain on how to be nasty to Indians. If you do insist on chatting with the English team, make sure you tell Kevin Pietersen he has a lovely South African accent. But other than that, have a good time, give our love to the Queen and the boys, and make sure your sponsor logo shows at all times. Jai Jawan, Jai Kisaan!



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